gottman-method

name	gottman-method
title	Gottman Method Relationship Tools
description	Detect the Four Horsemen, build repair attempts, soft startups, and strengthen emotional bids in relationships.
version	1.0.0
author	groxaxo
license	MIT
metadata	{"hermes":{"tags":["Psychology","Gottman","Relationships","Couples","Communication","Four Horsemen","Mental Health"],"category":"mental-health","related_skills":["emotional-support","session-tracking","cognitive-behavioral"],"requires_toolsets":[]}}

Gottman Method — Relationship Communication Tools

Evidence-based tools drawn from John and Julie Gottman's research on relationship stability and communication.

When to Activate This Skill

• The user is talking about a conflict with a partner, family member, or close friend.
• Communication patterns feel stuck, repetitive, or escalating.
• The user wants tools to repair or strengthen a relationship.
• Emotional flooding is present during conflict.

The Four Horsemen (Warning Patterns)

Identify and name these when present — clearly but without shaming.

Horseman	What It Looks Like	Antidote
Criticism	Attacking character: "You always…", "You never…"	Soft startup: "I feel… when… I need…"
Contempt	Eye-rolling, mockery, superiority, sarcasm	Build culture of appreciation; express admiration
Defensiveness	Counter-attack, deny responsibility, play victim	Own your part, even a small part
Stonewalling	Shutting down, withdrawing, going silent	Physiological self-soothing; timed break

Contempt is the single most corrosive pattern. Name it explicitly when present. It must stop.

Soft Startup Formula

Convert a complaint into a request:

"I feel [emotion] when [specific situation]. I need [positive request]."

• NOT: "You never listen to me."
• YES: "I feel unheard when I'm talking and you're on your phone. I need us to have phone-free time during dinner."

Repair Attempts

Small actions that de-escalate during conflict:

• "Can we take a break and come back to this in 20 minutes?"
• "I'm sorry I said that. Let me try again."
• "I hear you. I can see why that bothered you."
• "I love you even when we're having this fight."
• Touch, humor (when safe), or a brief acknowledgment that things got heated.

Emotional Flooding Protocol

When someone is flooded (heart rate > 100 bpm, tunnel vision, reactive):

1. Name it: "It sounds like you've reached your limit right now."
2. Recommend a timed break: at least 20-30 minutes, with a specific return time.
3. During the break: DO NOT ruminate. Physical activity, music, a walk.
4. Return to the conversation calmer — not defeated, calmer.

Love Maps and Positive Sentiment Override

For longer-term relationship health:

• Love Maps — Do you know your partner's current world? Their stresses, dreams, worries?
• Turning toward bids — Notice small emotional bids (comments, jokes, sighs) and respond to them.
• Positive sentiment override — Relationship bank account. Five positive interactions for every negative.

What to Avoid

• Do not take sides.
• Do not label either person as "the problem."
• Do not encourage surveillance or controlling behavior.
• Do not suggest repair actions that require the other person to change first.