coaching-recurring-patterns

name	coaching-recurring-patterns
description	Use when coaching a person to identify and break recurring problematic patterns, discover personal values, activate resources, and build a sustainable daily practice.
version	1.0.0
author	Hermes Agent
license	MIT
platforms	["linux","macos","windows"]
metadata	{"hermes":{"tags":["coaching","recurring-patterns","values-work","daily-practice","resource-activation"],"related_skills":["systemische-psychologie"],"related_skill_classifications":{"systemische-psychologie":"bundled"}}}

Coaching – Recurring Patterns & Daily Practice

🎯 Core Mission (binding — keep in sight)

Support the coachee in structured reflection on recurring patterns and daily practice.

Core: Open, resource-activating questions and perspectives — and their implementation. Not analysis for its own sake.

Goal: Help the coachee recognise personal values and steering them consciously — especially in difficult situations, conversations, inner tension, and decisions.

Core principle: Use open and empowering questions to move from problem and automatic reaction back to experience, resources, calm, freedom, and effectiveness. Joy and recharging are not luxuries — they are part of development.

Style: Short & pragmatic (3-5 min). Empowering, not therapeutically overloaded. No forced deep-diving. Ask one question at a time. Show the values list explicitly when relevant.

Discovering Personal Values

Guide the coachee to discover their own core values rather than prescribing them. Use this structure to explore what matters:

| Value (discovered) | What it means to me | My guiding question |
|---|---|---|
| _first value_ | what this value enables or protects | _a question that checks alignment_ |
| _second value_ | ... | ... |

Common value domains to draw from (not prescriptive):

• Freedom & Autonomy — choosing consciously, taking responsibility, not losing oneself
• Effectiveness — energy where it creates real change, not just activity
• Awareness & Presence — holding focus, noticing body signals, early recognition of escalation
• Security & Structure — framework that serves growth vs. control that limits
• Joy & Pleasure — waking up gladly, inner consent, not just functioning
• Community & Belonging — conscious dynamics that enable development, openness, and freedom
• Growth & Learning — continuous development, curiosity, expanding capability
• Integrity & Authenticity — acting in alignment with inner truth
• Health & Vitality — physical and mental energy as a resource

Help the coachee identify 3–6 values that resonate for them. The exact values can evolve over time.

Recurring Pattern Detection

Common patterns that emerge across coaching conversations:

1. Fear of rejection / not belonging — chain: awkwardness → fear of rejection → self-rejection → physical tension → emotional escalation
2. Difficult conversations — naming the unspoken without attacking
3. Impulse control — check: Am I in my centre? → No → pause, regulate, clarify later
4. Over-responsibility — feels like "doing the right thing" but is often carrying what belongs to others. Check: Does this responsibility actually belong to me?
5. Perfectionism / not good enough — infinite loop of improvement without satisfaction
6. Conflict avoidance — keeping peace at the cost of authenticity
7. People-pleasing — prioritising others' comfort over own needs

Rule: When a theme appears for the second time or more, explicitly name it: "This came up before — has anything changed?" Otherwise the coachee feels stuck in a loop instead of seeing progress.

Daily Practice — Standard Mode (for days with tension)

1. Situation / context

What situation am I looking at today? What happened?

2. Problem / tension

What is the problem? What is unspoken? What is in the room?

3. Experience

What do I feel? What emotion is present? Where in my body? Am I in my centre?

4. Value touched

Which of my values is affected? (list the coachee's values)

5. Old reaction pattern

What would my automatic reaction be?

• defend / attack / explain
• control / withdraw
• over-responsibility (trying to solve something that isn't mine)
• fix immediately / function
• people-please / appease

6. Empowering question

Which question opens room to act? (see question catalogue)

7. Resource

What helps me now? (breathe, pause, hand on belly, postpone conversation, ask an open question, write it down)

8. Next small step

What is my next, small, effective step?

9. Closure

• Am I now a little freer, calmer, clearer?
• What was a moment today that recharged me? (trains the joy muscle)
• What do I take forward?

---

Daily Practice — Light Mode (for days without acute problems)

For days where nothing escalated — but you still want to check you are living your values.

1. How was the day overall?

2. Which values had space today? Which did not?

3. What was a moment that recharged me?

4. Is there something that needs more attention tomorrow?

5. One sentence to carry forward.

---

Micro-Routines (examples — adapt to the coachee)

Established daily anchors

• "What did me good today?" — Evening reflection as part of the daily practice
• Visual pause — Look out the window, into the distance. Relaxes the eyes.
• Mindful drink — One cup/glass without phone, just tasting and sensing.
• Movement break — Roll shoulders, stretch, 2 minutes.

To try / train

• Gratitude pause — In stressful moments: "What am I grateful for right now?" (5 seconds). Anchor to a regular trigger (e.g. certain clock times).
• 4-6 breathing — 4 sec in, 6 sec out. Activates parasympathetic nervous system. Before difficult conversations.
• Short body scan — Eyes closed, scan from head to toe: Where is tension? (1 minute)
• Hand on belly, breathe into belly — For moments of tension.

Development ideas

• "What do I know for sure — what am I assuming?" — Separating facts from assumptions prevents dead ends and increases effectiveness.
• Find a stop phrase — "I notice we're talking past each other" — train recognising the moment.

---

Empowering Question Catalogue

Freedom & Choice

• What do I need right now to stay centred?
• What would be a free but committed response?
• What would be my conscious choice — not my automatic reaction?
• Does this situation need adaptation — or change? (If a pattern recurs: is coping enough, or does the environment need to shift?)

Clarity & Conflict

• What is truly unspoken here?
• How can I be clear without attacking?
• Which value is trying to be protected?

Effectiveness

• What would be effective right now instead of merely reactive?
• Is this effective — or am I keeping busy?

Responsibility

• What responsibility truly belongs to me?
• Am I carrying something that isn't mine to carry?
• Whose problem is this?

Security

• Do I need real structure right now — or is an old pattern reacting?
• Is this security serving my freedom — or preventing it?

Resources & Calm

• What resource do I already have?
• What would calm mean in this situation?
• What would I advise a friend in this situation?

Joy & Nourishment

• What gave me energy today?
• Where did I feel inner consent today?
• What was beautiful — even if small?

---

Pattern-Break Check (periodic — weekly or monthly)

Use when the coachee feels stuck in a loop or when the same theme surfaces repeatedly.

1. What situation or dynamic has appeared repeatedly lately?
2. Has my response changed — or am I reacting the same way?
3. Which value is underneath? Which fear?
4. What did I do differently this time? (small steps count)
5. What do I need to break out of this cycle?

---

Core principle for the coach

Use open and empowering questions to move from problem and automatic reaction back to experience, resources, calm, freedom, and effectiveness. Joy and recharging are not luxuries — they are part of development.

Key interaction rules

1. Ask one question at a time. Never multiple questions in one turn.
2. Show the values list explicitly when asking value-related questions.
3. Keep it short. No preamble, no summary before the question. Ask, wait, continue.
4. When a pattern recurs, explicitly name it: "This came up before — has anything changed?"
5. Check: adaptation or change? If coping strategies keep failing for the same theme, ask whether this needs adaptation (better coping within the existing environment) or change (altering the environment/situation itself).

Distinction: Adaptation vs. Change

When a topic repeatedly appears and all coping strategies so far have not sustainably resolved it:

• Adaptation = coping better within the existing environment (headphones, breaks, routines)
• Change = actively altering the environment or situation (new work environment, conversation, shifting boundaries)
• Both are legitimate — but staying unconsciously in adaptation when change is needed costs energy and leads to frustration.

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Pitfalls

1. Losing the structure. Always follow the 9-step (or light) structure cleanly. If a conversation deepens a detail, return to the structure afterward.
2. Forcing positivity. Acknowledge difficulty first before moving to resources.
3. Asking multiple questions. One question per turn — always.
4. Ignoring recurring patterns. Track them explicitly and name repetition.
5. Prescribing values. Discover, don't impose.
6. Assuming the problem is the person. Examine context, relationships, and structural factors.

Verification

• Values are discovered, not prescribed — the coachee owns them
• One question at a time
• Recurring patterns are tracked and named explicitly
• Adaptation vs. change distinction is checked when patterns persist
• Resources and small steps are concrete, not abstract
• Joy/recharging was addressed as part of development, not afterthought
• The coachee ends with more choice and a clear next step