| name | saying-the-unsayable |
| description | A communication framework for surfacing hidden tensions, delivering difficult feedback, and naming "elephants in the room" without triggering defensiveness. Use this during high-stakes meetings where teams are in unacknowledged conflict, when giving "brutal" but constructive performance feedback, or when you notice a disconnect between what is being said and what is actually happening. |
Saying the Unsayable
This framework, developed by Claire Hughes Johnson, allows you to "say the thing you think you cannot say" to maintain momentum and clarity. By moving from a "Lecturer" to an "Explorer" mindset, you can surface brutal truths while leaving the recipient feeling optimistic and empowered.
The "Left-Hand Column" Method
Every conversation has a "Left-Hand Column"—the running commentary in your head that is often harsh, judgmental, or cynical. To communicate effectively, you must "detoxify" this column before speaking.
- Identify the internal thought: Acknowledge the blunt thought (e.g., "This project is a disaster because the PM is lazy").
- Strip the judgment: Remove the "blame" and find the objective observation (e.g., "The project is behind schedule").
- Identify the shared goal: Remember that you both want progress, impact, and momentum.
- Reframe as an inquiry: Turn the observation into a collaborative question.
Step-by-Step Application
1. Be an Explorer, Not a Lecturer
Do not approach the conversation as an expert delivering a verdict. Instead, act as a partner in discovery.
- Lecturer approach: "You botched that presentation because you were unprepared."
- Explorer approach: "I have a hypothesis I want to test with you. My experience of the meeting was that the energy shifted when we hit slide four. How did you feel that section went?"
2. Make the Implicit Explicit
Conflict often stems from things that are "felt" but not "named."
- Name the tension: "I feel like there is something we aren't talking about in this room."
- Own the observation: Use "I" statements to describe your perception rather than stating facts about the other person.
- Invite correction: End with "Am I seeing that correctly?" or "Is that your experience as well?"
3. Use Hypothesis-Based Coaching
Don't wait for "perfect" data to provide feedback. Use "well-informed intuition" to start the conversation early.
- State the pattern: "I've noticed a pattern where you back your chair away from the table during roadmap discussions."
- Offer the hypothesis: "It makes me wonder if you disagree with the direction but don't feel comfortable vocalizing it."
- Ask for the truth: "What is actually going on for you in those moments?"
Examples
Example 1: Surfacing Team Conflict
- Context: Two teams (Product and Engineering) are in a meeting. They are talking in circles about a delay, but it’s clear they are actually fighting over who owns the final decision.
- The Unsayable: "You guys are both being territorial and it's annoying."
- Application: "I’m going to make the implicit explicit. It feels like we have two teams that both believe they own the final sign-off on this feature. If we don't know who the decision-maker is, we're going to slow the company down. Can we pause to clarify who the 'D' is here?"
- Output: The teams stop the circular technical argument and align on a decision-making framework (like a RACI or SPADE).
Example 2: Giving Critical Performance Feedback
- Context: A high-performing lead is becoming increasingly defensive in group settings, which is starting to demotivate the junior staff.
- The Unsayable: "You're acting like a jerk in meetings and it's making people quit."
- Application: "I have a hypothesis I'd like to explore. I've observed that when someone asks a clarifying question, your tone becomes very short. My experience of that is that it shuts down the dialogue. Is that your intention, or are you feeling a pressure I don't see?"
- Output: The lead recognizes the impact of their "default" behavior and discusses the underlying stressor (e.g., unrealistic deadlines).
Common Pitfalls
- Waiting for Perfect Data: Do not wait for a "mountain of evidence" before speaking up. This leads to resentment. Use a "hypothesis" to bring up observations early.
- Using "You" Judgments: Saying "You are defensive" triggers the amygdala. Saying "I noticed you crossed your arms and stopped speaking" describes a physical fact that can be discussed objectively.
- Filtering Yourself Out: Many leaders stay silent to be "nice," but this is actually "unkind" because it allows the person to fail. Real kindness is surfacing the truth so the person can improve.
- Forgetting the "Optimism" Coda: After delivering a hard truth, always pivot back to the shared goal. "I'm telling you this because I know how much impact you can have, and I want to remove the friction that's standing in your way."
