difficult-conversations

# Difficult Conversations ## Structure The structure of any difficult conversation: 1. **Prepare**: rehearse with HR or peer 2. **Open clearly**: don't bury the lede 3. **Listen**: what are they hearing? 4. **Hold the decision**: it's not a debate 5. **Cover practical next steps** 6. **Close with humanity**: acknowledge the difficulty 7. **Follow up**: documentation, next conversation Most failure is in preparation (or absence) and opening (waffling rather than naming the situation). ## Specific Conversation Types ### Termination (Performance) > "Thanks for coming. I have hard news. We're ending your employment with [Company], effective today. The reason is [specific, brief]. The decision is final. I want to walk you through what happens next." Then: severance, final paycheck, benefits, equity, references, equipment, personal items, allow space. Avoid: - "I have no choice" - "It's not personal" - Detailed catalog of past failures - "We'd love to keep you on as a contractor" (unless pre-cleared) ### Layoff (Role Elimination) > "I have difficult news. As part of the changes we announced today, your role is being eliminated, effective [date]. This isn't about your performance — you've been [genuine recognition]. The decision is about [stated reason]." Then: severance, outplacement, references, alumni network, logistics, Q&A. ### PIP > "I want to talk about your performance. Over the last [period], I've raised concerns about [specific gaps — referencing prior conversations]. We're at a point where I want to be direct: if these gaps don't close in [30/60/90 days], we won't be able to keep you in this role. Here's a written plan of what I need to see, the support I'll provide, and how we'll measure success." Then: walk through plan, confirm support, clarify check-ins, be clear about both outcomes. The PIP must not be a surprise. ### Demotion > "I want to talk with you about a change to your role. Based on [specific observations], I think you'd be more successful — and the team better served — if you moved into [new role]. Your title will be [X], and your comp will [stay / adjust over Y months / change]. Here's why I think this is the right call, and I want to hear what you think." Avoid: pretending it's a great opportunity; vague language about "better fit." ### Promotion Not Given > "I want to talk about your promotion. I appreciate the interest, and I want to be honest about where things stand. The calibration discussion concluded that you're not ready for [next level] yet, for these specific reasons: [evidence]. Here's what I think you'd need to demonstrate." ### Comp Disappointment > "I want to walk you through your comp adjustment. Your increase is [X], which is [position relative to range]. Here's how it was decided. [Walk through inputs.] I know this may differ from what you were hoping for. Happy to talk through any of it." Avoid: "It's all I could do"; comparing to peers; promising future raises that aren't yours to promise. ## Preparation Checklist - [ ] Decision is final (don't open a conversation that's still under debate) - [ ] Practical materials ready - [ ] Logistics planned - [ ] Script rehearsed - [ ] HR/legal looped in if appropriate - [ ] Documentation prepared - [ ] Time blocked for follow-up - [ ] Self-regulation: am I in a state to do this well right now? ## What to Never Do - Friday afternoon terminations - Surprise low ratings or terminations - Vague reasons ("it's just not working" without specifics) - Decision-as-debate (opening as if open) - Catalog of every past failure - Performative empathy ("I know this is hard" with no warmth) - Termination over Slack/email — always live (video at minimum) - Forgetting practicalities (comp, benefits, references, equipment) - No follow-up ## Conflict Between Two People When mediating: - Each side states the issue (no interruption) - Each side reflects what they heard the other say - Identify underlying need (often different from stated issue) - Agree on specific behavior changes - Schedule follow-up Avoid mediating when one party should be coached separately first, or when power asymmetry can't be resolved. ## Harassment / Inappropriate Behavior Report The manager's role is usually: - Receive the report calmly - Confirm investigation - Don't promise specific outcomes - Document - Escalate to HR / counsel immediately - Don't retaliate or appear to - Communicate with reporter about process (without breaching confidentiality) Investigation is HR / legal's job; response and escalation is the manager's. ## Self-Care After Difficult conversations cost emotional bandwidth. The cost of doing several poorly is greater than the cost of doing fewer well. - Block time after difficult conversations (don't go straight to a customer call) - Debrief with HR or peer - Document while fresh ## Cross-References - `difficult-conversations-coach` agent - `dignity-in-transitions` rule - `feedback-frameworks` skill - `policy-writer` agent (documentation) - `offboarding-architect` agent ## Key References - Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). *Difficult Conversations*. - Scott, K. (2017). *Radical Candor*. - Scott, S. (2002). *Fierce Conversations*. - McCord, P. (2017). *Powerful*.