| name | stay-on-your-side-of-the-net |
| description | A feedback framework based on the "Three Realities" to deliver difficult interpersonal feedback without triggering defensiveness. Use it when a colleague's behavior is irritating you ("pinches"), when a team member isn't meeting communication expectations, or when resolving conflict with a co-founder or stakeholder. |
Stay on Your Side of the Net
Interpersonal competence is the determinant of professional success. Most feedback fails because the giver "jumps the net"—making assumptions about the other person's motives rather than sticking to verifiable data. By staying on your side of the net, you shift the conversation from a defense of character to a collaborative problem-solving session.
The Framework: The Three Realities
In every interaction, there are three distinct realities. We are only ever privy to two of them.
- Reality 1 (Inside Me): My intent, my history, and my thoughts. (Only I know this).
- Reality 2 (The Shared Space): The behavior—what was actually said or done. This is the only reality we share. It is like a video recording.
- Reality 3 (Inside You): The impact on you, your feelings, and your thoughts. (Only you know this).
The "Net" exists between Reality 2 and Reality 3. You jump the net when you claim to know someone else's intent (e.g., "You don't care" or "You're being insensitive").
The Feedback Workflow
Use this 3-part structure to address a "pinch" (a small irritation) before it becomes a "crunch" (a major conflict).
1. State the Observable Behavior (Reality 2)
Describe the specific, behavioral data that anyone in the room could see or hear. Avoid labels like "rude," "unprofessional," or "lazy."
- Example: "When I was speaking in the meeting and you looked at your watch..."
- Example: "When you missed the Tuesday deadline for the third time..."
2. Disclose the Impact Using "I Feel" (Reality 3)
Connect the behavior to a specific emotion from a "Vocabulary of Feelings."
- Rule: Never use the words "that" or "like" after "I feel."
- BAD: "I feel that you aren't committed." (This is an attribution, not a feeling).
- GOOD: "I feel discouraged," "I feel distanced," or "I feel worried."
3. State the "Because" (The Desired Outcome)
Explain why you are sharing this feedback to show investment in the relationship.
- Example: "...and I'm telling you this because I want to make sure our collaboration stays strong and I noticed I was starting to pull back."
Artful Inquiry: Unpacking the Other Side
Once you have delivered your side, use inquiry to understand their reality.
- Stay away from "Why": "Why did you do that?" triggers defensiveness and rationalization.
- Use What, How, Where, When:
- "What was going on for you in that moment?"
- "How did you hear what I just said?"
- "What did you hear me say?" (The most powerful question for repair).
Examples
Example 1: The Meeting Interrupter
- Context: A peer repeatedly talks over you during product reviews.
- Behavior: "In today’s review, when I started to explain the roadmap and you began speaking before I finished the sentence..."
- Feeling: "...I felt shut down and frustrated."
- Outcome: "...I’m sharing this because I really value your input, but I find I stop contributing when I can't finish my thoughts."
Example 2: The Distracted Manager
- Context: Your manager checks their phone during your 1:1.
- Behavior: "When we were discussing my career goals and you checked your phone three times..."
- Feeling: "...I felt unimportant and distracted."
- Outcome: "...I’m telling you because I want to make the most of this time with you."
Common Pitfalls
- Jumping the Net: Attributing motives. If you say "You're trying to undermine me," the other person will defend their intent ("No I wasn't!") and the conversation about the behavior is lost.
- The "I Feel That" Trap: Saying "I feel that you're being lazy" is just a judgment disguised as a feeling. If you can't follow "I feel" with a single emotion (sad, angry, happy, afraid), you are likely over the net.
- Ignoring the 15% Rule: Waiting until you are "crunching" (furious) to give feedback. Apply the 15% rule: step slightly outside your comfort zone to address a "pinch" early.
- Assuming Anger is the Primary Emotion: Anger is often a secondary, distancing emotion. Look for the "vulnerable" emotion underneath—usually fear, hurt, or sadness—and disclose that instead to build connection.
